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Shame
What it is & How to Build Resiliency

Marriam Webster defines shame as “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.” But what causes shame? And how can you know if you are experiencing shame?

Let’s unpack this definition a bit.

Many people confuse shame with guilt, as both labels are threaded with anxiety, self-doubt and rumination of the past. However, there lies a key difference between the two. While guilt generally stems from something that you did, shame comes from beliefs of who you are. Looking from this angle, it becomes clear that feelings of shame can be more difficult to shake than feelings of guilt. It is typically easier to remedy a specific situation than it is to break through limiting (and often warped) beliefs of the self.

So what leads someone to feel shame?

For starters, your mind acts like a sponge to its surroundings. From the moment you came into the world, your brain has tactfully inputted information from people, places and events, and spun this data into an output of feelings, opinions and beliefs. For example, someone who is brought up in an abusive environment can be easily prone to feelings of inferiority and inadequacy. However, while shame is often tied to trauma, it does not need to unfold from traumatic or abusive situations. Shame can be brought on by a laundry list of different scenarios such as what other people think, personal defeat, or lack of purpose.

However, shame is not a death sentence. Follow these powerful (and easily accessible!) tips to help build up resiliency to shame and liberate yourself from these debilitating feelings.

1. Know that you are not alone (and ask for help!).

It is easy to feel as if you are the only one experiencing negative or challenging emotions, yet we are all more similar than meets the eye. Reaching out to others and asking for help can often be the most difficult step in a healing process, and also the most rewarding. As a qualified therapist, I can confidently tell you that sometimes all you need is a safe space to begin seeing positive change.

2. Develop cognitive awareness.

Remember the input/ output scenario we touched on? It is important to remember that the story your mind tells you is not always the absolute truth, but a perception of your experiences. Those who suffer from shame often experience cognitive distortions, or irrational thoughts and beliefs based on biased perceptions. Developing cognitive awareness is useful in combating feelings of shame by understanding the negative story about yourself that plays on repeat in your head is usually just a story.

3. Meditate.
Meditation is a useful tool for acknowledging your thoughts without judgement. When sitting in meditation, the aim is not to suppress or fight off negative thoughts, but instead to observe what comes to the surface. Emotions can cloud thinking and make it difficult to effectively get to the root of suffering. Meditation helps lift these clouds to uncover important “secrets” you may be keeping on a subconscious level.

4. Drop into the present moment.
Have you ever replayed a past situation in your head to the point where you question if certain moments actually occurred? If so, you’re not alone. Much like guilt, shame often keeps its sufferer living in the past. No matter how committed you are to your healing, you will not be able to move beyond a previous experience or belief if you are stuck in the past. However, you can quickly drop into the present moment through practices like physical movement. Putting on a favorite song and moving your body through a series of yoga sequences or intuitive dance moves will help you step out of your mind and into the “now.”

5. Practice compassion.
Self-love may come as a challenge when feelings of shame arise, and you may feel small or disempowered. As a byproduct, you may find yourself quick to judge others as a projection of the negative feelings you have towards yourself. Consciously showing compassion toward yourself and others (even when you’re not quite feeling it) can help you rewrite your inner dialogue and help create a loving space from the outside in.

6. Write.
Ever heard of stream of consciousness writing? Also known as a “brain dump,” this powerful therapeutic practice involves nothing but a pen, a piece of paper, and your purest, most vulnerable thoughts. When feelings of shame creep up, set a timer for ten minutes and jot down everything that comes to mind. You may discover new angles or perspectives that have been living dormant beneath the surface. Once scribbled down on paper, these inner messages can act as clues towards your healing. Want an expert tip? Grammar, punctuation and sentence structure do not need to exist when trying this exercise. The idea is to pull out any “mess” going on in your head and release it onto paper - this does not have to look pretty!

7. Recognize triggers.
Triggers refer to anything that prompts a negative emotional response. In the case of shame, a trigger can be a comment, question, visual stimulant etc. that causes you to feel ashamed. Although uncomfortable, triggers are incredibly helpful in the healing process as they can show you exactly what sets you off. Once this is uncovered, you can more clearly work towards the root cause and solution. Try writing down every time you feel triggered to look for any common denominators.

8. Celebrate how far you’ve come.
It is easy to focus on the negative, especially when you are in a space of anxiety or doubt. However, it is so important to celebrate the little wins, reflect on how far you’ve come, and openly express gratitude for yourself and the positive aspects of your life. Healing is a journey, so let yourself enjoy the ride (although uncomfortable at times) and not be so concerned about the destination.

If it’s helpful to you in your healing, I recommend you print out this list and come back to it when shame shows its ugly teeth. You don’t have to live a life filled with shame… and you don’t need to embark on this journey alone.